Thursday 28 March 2013

How do you react when your spouse cheats on you?

The immediate response after discovering a spouse's affair is commonly disbelief, anger, sadness, loss or grief. It can take several years before the betrayed spouse is ready to even consider forgiveness, even if the partner who cheated begs for it. And through the cheating partner may immediately feel remorse and repeat "I'm sorry" over and over again, that apology may not get past the betray'ed partner's outer layer of hurt.

However, it is possible to move on and rebuild after infidelity. I have identified three distinct phases of recovery from an affair: the crisis phase, the understanding (or insight) phase, and the vision phase.

The Crisis Phase

The first phase of affair recovery, the crisis phase, happens when an affair is disclosed or discovered. The initial shock and deep betrayal can rock your confidence, and make you feel like everything you have ever known is collapsing. It is important in this phase of the recovery after an affair to recognize that this is a phase -- you will get through this. This really difficult time will pass, and you will move into another stage.

Don't make any decisions now about what to do with your relationship. Take care of yourself and your family and hold onto those major decisions for a while. When the chaos has slowed down enough for you to breathe and look around, you may start to think more about whether or not you want to stay together and start a new monogamy.

Initially after infidelity, it can be difficult for you to envision a new, shared future. The one person you turned to in the past for support when you were in pain is now the person causing you pain. It can seem as if there's no one to turn to. You may now think of your relationship as a liability instead of your strength. You may feel lonely and confused. You may long for the partner who always served as the support system in your life, and that time of innocence before you discovered the affair.

There is a time lapse in the grief process. The person who had the affair has known about the infidelity ever since it began. If you are just now discovering the affair, you are at a totally different point in the process than your partner is. You have only begun to catch up.

The Role of Grief

A grieving process is normal after an affair. As you move through the grieving process, many emotions will emerge, possibly including anger, fear, denial, and eventually acceptance. You can feel as if you are grieving a death, and in many ways, you are. You are grieving the old vision of your marriage or relationship. This is true whether you decide to stay together or move on.

Both partners must grieve their losses if they are to build a new marriage. Grief is triggered by the loss of the future you thought you were headed toward together. Whatever ideas you had about how you would grow old as a couple, retire, have grandchildren, rock on the front porch together, or travel the world, the affair has now challenged that vision of a shared future. Grief is a process of letting go of that vision. And, interestingly, grief has a way of making room for a different future if you choose to create that possibility going forward.

The Understanding (or Insight) Phase

The second phase of affair recovery is the understanding (or insight) phase, and you will recognize when you are entering this phase when you start to look at how the affair happened. This second phase of affair recovery comes after the crisis has ebbed and you are moving past your intense anger and confusion. Although it can be a difficult time, this phase will help you to experience empathy for each other and can give you hope for the future if you decide you want to stay together. You may still not know whether you want to make things work for the long run, but you will be able to do some of the work on your past to find out.

Understanding the affair and how it happened will help you to get clearer about what led you both to this point in your lives. This means you both need to explore the meaning of the affair. During this second phase of affair recovery, you may begin to wonder where your responsibility lies for what happened in your relationship. This is not about assigning blame, but a time to deconstruct the affair and the history of your marriage or relationship, to find out where the roots of the infidelity began.

Starting to understand the affair can answer many of the questions that you may feel are still unanswered. Some of your frustration may be relieved at that point, and you may be ready to make some decisions about your relationship going forward.

Moving Past Blame

If both partners are willing and ready to move into healing, you will notice a shift happening. Instead of feeling polarized into the good spouse and the bad spouse, the two of you will begin to realize that you each share responsibility for what happened in your relationship before the affair. There was most probably a dynamic in your marriage that contributed to the affair. When you start becoming aware of this shared dynamic, the recovery process becomes a shared experience between the two of you. The affair may even eventually move from being "his affair" or "her affair" to being "our affair."

When you start to feel this shift, it means you are moving into the next stage of your affair recovery. You are moving from the Insight phase into the Vision phase, where you are ready to look at a new future and a new monogamy, together.

The Vision Phase

When you reach the third phase of affair recovery, the vision phase, it is time to make some decisions about staying together, or letting go and moving on. Here you can decide about whether or not it is possible to create a new future together. To do this, you should be clear about what your new monogamy will look like. There are distinct steps for developing that new relationship, together.

The New Monogamy challenges the common view that an affair has to mean the end of a relationship. Monogamy as we know it is changing in our world and in our culture. Our ability to remain monogamous is becoming more difficult in an age when cheating is easier than ever. Marriage as we know it will be totally different by the end of this century. The couples that manage to stay together and make it work will be the ones who decide to create fluidity and flexibility in their partnerships, and find ways to make monogamy work for them.

Solutions That Can Save A Relationship

It's the rare couple that doesn't run into a few bumps in the road. If you recognize ahead of time, though, what those relationship problems might be, you'll have a much better chance of getting past them.
photoMarriage and family therapist Mitch Temple, author of The Marriage Turnaround,says that in spite of the fact that every relationship has its ups and downs, successful couples have learned how to manage them and keep their love life going.
They gain success in marriage by hanging in there, tackling problems, and learning how to maneuver through the complex issues of everyday life. Many do this by reading self-help books and articles, attending seminars, going to counseling, observing other successful couples, or simply using trial and error.
1.  First, you must decide whether the relationship is worth saving.  While almost every relationship can be saved with hard work, both parties must decide that they want to make it work.  Because if a partner has opted out and doesn’t want to opt back in, there is little that can be done.
Many people stay in a relationship because it is convenient or remain in a marriage because of the children.  But that is not enough.  How to save a relationship starts with a commitment by both parties that the relationship is worth saving.
2.  If you can't "communicate" without raising your voices, go to a public spot like the library, park, or restaurant where you'd be embarrassed if anyone saw you screaming.
3.  Use body language to show you are listening. Don’t doodle, look at your watch, or pick at your nails. Nod so the other person knows you're getting the message, and rephrase if you need to.
For instance, say, "What I hear you saying is that you feel as though you have more chores at home, even though we're both working." If you're right, the other can confirm.
If what the other person really meant was, hey, you're a slob and you create more work for me by having to pick up after you, he or she can say so, but in a nicer way.
4.  Plan, plan, plan. Fay suggests making an appointment,  but not necessarily at night when everyone is tired. Maybe during the baby's Saturday afternoon nap or a "before-work quickie." Ask friends or family to take the kids every other Friday night for a sleepover.
"When sex is on the calendar, it increases your anticipation," Fay says, adding that mixing things up a bit can increase your sexual enjoyment as well. Why not have sex in the kitchen? Sex by the fire? Sex standing up in the hallway?
5.  Next, you must pinpoint the problem or problems in a relationship.  One of the biggest problems in how to save a relationship is that people believe the symptoms of the problem are the problem itself.
For instance, many people think an affair is a problem that causes break ups.  In truth, the affair is a symptom of a deeper problem.  For instance, a lack of true intimacy can lead to a straying spouse. 
While most people look at the affair as the problem, the underlying cause of the affair was the lack of intimacy in the primary relationship.  If you do not deal with the lack of intimacy, you might be able to keep another affair from starting through the use of guilt, but another problem (for instance pornography) could pop up because you haven’t dealt with  the core issue.
When you start to deal with core issues rather than symptoms, you can save the relationship.  
6.  You should realize that saving a relationship is an ongoing process.  You are going to take two steps forward only to take one step back. There is going to be both laughter and tears going forward. 
Be quick to apologize and slow to blame. Magic of Making Up is a manual that contains easy to apply step by step guide authored by T Dub, a Relationship Expert, who has helped over 6,000 people from around the world to get their ex back, including me, through the guides provided in this manual which worked like magic in getting my ex back. I must tell you that it worked for me, till today me and my ex are more in love than before .
7.  If your sexual relationship problems can't be resolved on your own, Fay recommends consulting a qualified sex therapist to help you both address and resolve your issues.

Help!!! My Husband Has Been Sleeping With Our Daughter

Dear Readers: Help me, My husband Has Been Sleeping With Our Daughter

I had always wanted to marry a loving and most especially a caring man, and finally one of such men came my way, oh, and what did I do, grabbed it with both hands.

I was even happier when he said he liked “the girl child”, and babies in general, because of course, that would take some pressure off me.

We got married and had our first baby; it was a girl, an adorable jewel to behold. She was fair skinned, very weighty, and I knew she was going to grow up to be the cynosure of all eyes.

And my husband, wow, was really supportive, helped with everything except bosom feeding. He was awake at nights, tending to our baby, wasn’t complaining, to cap it all up, he was more like the mother and I, the dad.

Our daughter grew up to be, as I guessed, an adorable princess and everyone wanted to have a second look at her.

As she grew I noticed that she was closer to her dad than she was to me and I just concluded that it was because her father spent more time with her at the formative stage.

Later when she got into the senior secondary school, I noticed that this time, she wasn’t even coming so close to any of us, and again I concluded that it was one of those “trying to adapt to a new environment” since we just moved.

All hell was let loose when she fell ill and had to be rushed to the hospital, and series of tests was done on her, and the pregnancy tests came out positive!!!!!!!!! Ha, I almost died.

When we got home, I sat her down and tried to do it the  easy way, but she wouldn’t  say anything, so I resolved to merciless whooping, she still wasn’t talking, as I was thinking of my next action plan, my husband walked through the door and, the next thing I saw knocked me out, my – daughter – pointed – to – her – father.

I found myself on the hospital bed, and as I woke up a whole lot kept rushing through my head: was I careless? How did I miss all the action? Where was I when all these were happening? Why didn’t she talk when he made the first pass at her? Who should I tell? Should I just keep quiet about this abomination? Should she keep the baby or abort it?

These questions keep playing in my head as the family is currently shredded in a thousand places

Please, i need help, What should I do?


Tuesday 26 March 2013

Lists Of Nigerian Higher Institutions And Their Various School Fees

This is the current school fees payment for various Nigerian Institution.

This thread is an essential prerequisite for Candidates who want to choose school in their upcoming Jamb Exam.We, the liveschoolnews team deem it necessary to inform all Jambites, in order to avoid unnecessarily risk (prudent) when choosing their school of Choice and also to be precient in the Nigerian institution school fees payment. 

Below are the Lists of Nigerian Institution and their various school fees


*LAUTECH=INDEGENE-65,000, NON INDEGENE-#72,500 (STAYLITE-300L UPWARD= #40,000 TO #50,000) 




*FUTO=#48,300 TO #49,000


*AAU =#40,000

*KSU=FRESHERS-#37,500 (200L-#26,600, 300L- #15,500)




*MAPOLY=INDEGENE-#57,000, NON- INDEGENE-#62,000 (It Varies With Dept. Some students pay 75,000)




*PLASU=INDEGENE-#50,000, NON-INDEGENE- #100, 000

*OAU=#60,000 (faculty- 12,000, it depends on faculty, but the highest is not more than 15,000)

*FUTA=FRESHERS-#49,000, (RETURNING-#14,150) 


*OSUN POLY=#25,500


*OOU=FRESHERS-#110,000 TO #250,000 (STAYLITE- #42,000 UPWARD)



*ABU ZARIA=#23,000, DIPLOMA-#41,000

*ANSU=100L-#139,000, 200L-#129,000, 300L-#106,000, 400L AND 500L-#76,000

*LEAD CITY UNI=#590,000 


*FUNAAB=FRESHERS- #24,000+, (STAYLITE-#14,000)

*FEDPOLY NEKEDE=ND1-#31,000, ND2-#24,000





*I.M.T ENUGU=#49,300



*OSPEL IREE=#25,600

*IMSU=INDIGENE- #120,000, NON-INDEGENE- #150,000

*POLYIBADAN= #75,000

*UNIOSUN =#95000 

*LASU= IS BTW #195,000 AND #310,000.


UNILORIN=FRESHER-#34,000 TO 37,000, (400L- #14900, 300L- #15400, 200L,- #16000).

*ABSU= #150,000.
(300L-#102,000, 400L-#67,000 respectively)





*IMOPOLY=ND-#30,000, HND-#40,000


3 Health Benefits Of Garlic For Men

Garlic plays a critical role in many different aspects of human health. It is incredibly healthy for both men and women, but there are some health benefits of garlic that apply specifically to men. Here are 3 health benefits of garlic for men:

Prostate Cancer Prevention
Studies show that regular consumption of garlic may lead to a reduced risk of prostate cancer. According to several studies, garlic may prevent and slow the growth of prostate cancer cells.

One study done in China found that men who consumed higher levels of garlic (and scallions) was linked to about a 50 percent lower risk of prostate cancer. Raw garlic is considered to be the best way to consume garlic for anti-cancer benefits.

Heart Health
Garlic compounds are turned into hydrogen sulfide, a chemical that relaxes blood vessels and increases blood flow and circulation. Research shows that hydrogen sulfide plays a key role in the prevention of heart disease and heart attack. One study done at UCLA found that people taking garlic extract had the progression of plaque buildup in their arteries slowed by 50 percent compared to people not taking garlic.

Treat Impotence & Increase Sex Drive
Garlic may increase testosterone levels and improve blood circulation, and stimulates the body's production of nitric oxide synthase enzyme, all of which can improve sex drive and help with impotence.

Dating Tips For Guys

This is for all you newly single men out there. Are you fed up with first dates that don’t lead to a second date? Do you sometimes scratch your head and ask yourself, “Why didn’t she want to go out with me again? I thought things were going well.” I want to help you understand women better. I want you to have more success in getting that second date. So, I’m going to reveal some dating tips based on my personal experiences, plus those shared by my divorced friends and the clients I coach.
Chances are, if you felt that a date went well but she never wants to date you again, you might have said or done something that turned her off. You probably didn’t even realize it. The following tips could mean the difference between a lonely Saturday night in front of the TV with a beer or another great date with that lovely woman. Here are the four things men should never do on a first date.
    1. Don’t talk about sex. Not on the first phone call or the first date. Confident, self-respecting women don’t want to be objectified. It’s not that women are not interested in sex. Quite the contrary — most of us love sex! But don’t talk about your sexual conquests with us on a first date. Please take time to get to know us. Like us for our intelligence, warmth, kindness, creativity and wit. Do show us that you’re physically attracted to us, but don’t make it the primary focus of why you’re into us. When you ease into the physical relationship, most of us respond better.
    2. Don’t be negative. Please don’t talk about what sucks in your life. We’re sorry that you lost your job. We understand that your kids are driving you crazy. We feel bad that you don’t have much of an appetite since your wife left you. You’ve lost weight. You’ve gained weight. You’re in debt. You have kidney stones or irritable bowel syndrome. Listen up: we all have “stuff” that frustrates or overwhelms us. There is a time and place to share the big stuff of our lives; the first date is not it. We don’t know you well enough yet. It feels overwhelming and inappropriate to us. If we end up in a relationship with you, by all means, share it all with us. We’ll care about you and want to support you then. But this is only the first date, so please stay positive.
    3. Don’t discuss your ex. Your relationship with your ex was terrible. She threw you out of the house. You were blindsided. She took all your money. She has full custody of your kids. We get it, divorce is hard, and sometimes the ex has done very hurtful things. But we don’t want to hear about it — not on a first date or a first phone call. Maybe later. We want to talk about what’s going on for you now. What are your dreams? Your passions? Stay in the present, and we’ll both enjoy the date much more.
    4. Don’t be rude. If you’re unkind to the waiter, doorman, toll collector, or any other person you come in contact with on that first date, we will judge you as unkind. We want to be in a relationship with someone who is considerate, compassionate and warm. Go out of your way to be nice, and chances are, you’ll get that second date.

The bottom line is that first impressions matter in dating. If you want a great relationship with someone special, you need to put your best self forward. You’re judging us as much as we’re judging you. I’m sure we’re doing or saying things that are turning you off, too. We want to understand you guys better. We want to improve our dating success, too.

Monday 25 March 2013

Reasons Why ladies Walk Away From Relationships

It’s a general rule that when your girlfriend decides to leave you, it means there are problems. 
Chances are, you’ve done a lot of things wrong and, depending on your situation, she is probably leaving you for reasons you didn’t think about. Here are some reasons women leave men.

- Lack of attention

Women love it when their men notice things about them and actually talk and listen to them. If there is a lack of communication and she notices, she’s likely to feel unsatisfied in the relationship even if everything else is going well. Listen to her when she talks. If she doesn’t feel like she’s receiving love and attention from you, she’ll eventually find someone who will treat her right

- Lack of appreciation

Women do a lot more than men tend to give them for, so appreciate the little things your girlfriend does for you. Be sure you compliment her on her attire or how good she does on things. Let her know that you do appreciate her doing things for you.

- Cheating

When you cheat, you acknowledge that something isn’t right in your relationship. However, instead of dealing with it, you decide that having an affair is the best way to handle it. When you get caught cheating, the fragile bridge of trust is broken. A stable-relationship is based on trust, and if that is broken, it would be very difficult to heal. If there is a problem within the relationship, talk with her about your concerns. After all, how wouldyou feel if she did it to you?

- Lack of emotional support

Women are unique creatures and they require a lot of emotional support. They need to feel loved, needed and emotionally connected to their men. Women want their emotions met which means if they are supportive of you, they would like you to be supportive of them. If you cannot meet her emotionally needs, it is most likely she will turn elsewhere for companionship.

- Lack of intimacy

Women do not want to feel as if you only want to sleep with them. They want true intimacy which means physical contact without sex sometimes. If you only come around her when you want to sleep with her, she will become dissatisfied and will not even want to be touched by you.

- Lack of ambition

Women who are ambitious will seek out a partner that is also ambitious.Women like to date men whom they can move forward with and they like to look ahead and see a bright future. Women want to know that a man can take care of himself, so having an unfavorable lifestyle and showing no signs of maturity can make a woman leave you quickly.

- You are too controlling

Most women want men who will protect them and make them feel safe–but they don’t want a dictator. Women do not want their boyfriends to tell them where to go, when to leave, who to talk to, or what to wear. Dating a guy with a controlling nature can be pretty scary for women and this will cause them to end the relationship.

- You are too abusive

Abuse is not only physical. It can also take a verbal form. Being deceitful, having a short fuse, being overly-critical and belittling someone to make them feel worthless is also a type of abuse. Displaying these negative behaviours will cause her to leave you. Nobody wants to be with someone who is abusive.

3 Female Students Beheaded And Thrown Out Of Moving Vehicle

Information reaching us right now is that three (3) human bodies were late last night dropped from a Range Rover Sports Jeep.

The said human bodies were all beheaded female bodies with the following identifications sighted in their handbags by Spirited Nigerians:

Yetunde Ajao Unilag student. Fair in Complexion.

Damola Esan - Oouite. Tall & Fair in Complexion

The Last person has no identity on her but she is short plumpy and dark

The three (3) beheaded bodies are still lying on the road there. The Police we understand have since been contacted

The crime scene is along ijebu ode ibadan road

Its terrible what this our country is turning into & how our girls endanger their lives all because of money.

source: 247 naija gossip

Reasons why marriages fail

Every divorced person has a story to tell about why their marriage ended. While no two divorce stories are exactly alike, what I’ve come to realize is that many bear a striking resemblance.

One partner, usually the woman, becomes increasingly unhappy with the relationship, feeling that her needs for intimacy aren’t being met. Although she’s made many attempts to get her husband to open up and to become less hidden, she’s left feeling that her efforts to bring him closer have failed.

In fact, many of the women I’ve interviewed for my website admit that they’ve resorted to nagging and didn’t feel good about this tug-of-war over communication and intimacy.

Why is this relationship pattern so common? 
Dr. John Gottman of the University of Washington andThe Gottman Institute, a distinguished observer of marital relations, believes that the tendency of men to withdraw and women to pursue is wired into our physiology and reflects a basic gender difference. In his classic ‘Love Lab’ observations, he’s noted that this pattern is extremely common and is a major contributor to marital breakdown. He also warns us that if it’s not examined, the pursuer-distancer pattern will persist into a second marriage or subsequent intimate relationships.

So let’s see how it usually works in a typical scenario. A wife’s hyper-vigilance is seen as a way to motivate her husband to open up. But in this case, the ways that Karen and Erik respond to each other backfire — going from bad to worse.

‘Let’s talk about why we’re not communicating anymore,’ Karen laments as her husband Erik reads the newspaper. ‘How can we get along if we don’t work on our problems?’

‘I’m not sure what problems you’re talking about,’ Erik says. ‘We don’t have any problems.’

Karen feels increasingly frustrated with her attempts to draw Erik out. Meanwhile, Erik resorts to his classic distancer strategy — perhaps stonewalling her attempts to communicate. As Karen continues to express more disappointment in Erik, he further withdraws. If this pattern isn’t reversed, it’s easy to see how they can both begin to feel criticized and contempt for each other — two of the major warning signs that their marriage is doomed to fail, according to Dr. Gottman.

What Karen and Erik don’t realize is that they are deeply entrenched in a pursuer-distancer pattern that is quite common and needs to be repaired before it’s too late. Otherwise, this dysfunctional pattern will develop into a vicious cycle that will be hard to stop.

‘The pursuer-distancer pattern can be thought of as a mismatch,’ writes divorce expert E. Mavis Hetherington in For Better or For Worse: Divorce Reconsidered. In her landmark study of 1,400 divorced individuals over thirty years, she found that couples who adopted this pattern were at the highest risk for divorce. Commonly, the wife will get tired of pursuing and the husband will grow weary or get angered about what he perceives as his wife’s constant nagging.

I’ve seen this pattern over and over again in the couples I’ve worked with. One partner, usually the wife, is seen as open and the other, usually the husband, is perceived as hidden. Think ‘Hope Springs’ with Meryl Streep. Unfortunately, things don’t always turn out like a Hollywood movie.

The irony of the pursuer-distancer pattern is that it’s reinforced by popular self-help books and websites to save your marriage. While most of these articles encourage couples to open up and communicate more, they don’t explain that this can blow up their faces unless couples understand that a plea to get closer by one spouse can be perceived as a criticism by the other. Likewise, psychologists often advise their clients to share their feelings with their partner, unaware that half of the battle with intimacy is about intent and tone. It’s likely that the person at the other end of a ‘sharing feelings’ conversation will feel blamed and attacked if your underlying message is ‘You are doing something wrong that needs to be fixed.’

It’s no wonder that many of the interactions between couples become deadlocked and end up in a stalemate or with partners feeling bitter and disillusioned about their marriage. Repair work is all about expressing your intent in a positive way and taking responsibility for your part in it.

Here is what it looks like when your intent is to learn about the other person and grow together:
"I feel left out when you don’t talk to me about what’s going on in your head".
"I would like to know what you’re thinking."
By Terry Gaspard